So... it was a long time ago when I last wrote something for this blog and a lot and lot of things happend. Cold and warm too.
Sadly my mental health isn't get better after time and I'm starting to get some of those "painful" soul hurting? I mean I feel my soul sometimes is very-very heavy and like its laying on my body on my lungs and my heart and I could not make it feel better.
In my mind I think I'm a very bad person, a poisionus, a harsh, an evil bad bad perom and I really hate myself becouse of this. I decised to change but it IS hard too and I'm very scared of who am I gonna become. Yeah...
The second part is that I have no friends here. All of my friend study in different cities and I'm all alone here and it is really really painful and hard and depressing. Every once in a while I get to met them again when they have time for me when tey want to meet up and want to chat with me about everything. I think I am a very good listener and I want to hear their stories of they "new" lives, about what they doing and what they learning in those cities or in those unis.
When they ask me about me, about what am I doing I never say anything. I am shamed of what am I and what am I doing 'cuz I literally not doing anything, not doing my life better because I'm phisycally cannot make it better yet. But I have hopes, I have dreams. Dreams without friends and family. I have to have hopes and dreams without 'em to make myself stand up, to be a woman, a REAL woman and not to be a shitshack.